2nd cancerVERSARY ~

Together with my family at
a Japanese BBQ Restaurant ( I still avoid BBQ
food as much as possible.
Eat very little unless its BBQ in a foil)

OH MY ~!
Believe it or not, its way past my 2nd year cancerVERSARY~!

I did my biopsy on 18th December, thinking that the polyp in my trachea was nothing serious.
It was probably just a growth of flesh blocking the air into my right lung. A minor operation should be able to grab it & pull it out of my trachea pipe.
On the evening of 21st Dec, when I went to meet Dr Jurina at Columbia Hospital Bandar Puteri Puchong on the result of my biopsy, she frowned & wasn't showing her usual cheerfulness.

I was thinking to myself, 

"PLEASE GOD, don't, please don't... please don't let it be what I think it is".

The minute she threw the phrase,

"I'm so sorry, the biopsy test result shows that you have squamous cell cancer in your trachea", 

the world went blank around me.

My mind went blank & I could hear my heart pounding.
My wife looked at me & was seeking for a  explanation. Her face turned & wanted me to translate every single word Dr Jurina had told me.
I kept my composure & explained to her the best I could.

After accepting the result & hearing Dr. Jurina's recommendations on the next course of action, both Mimiko & myself called to our parents to update them.We went over to my parents place to fetch Ryusei. My parents & sister were devastated & were crying on what I had told them.
At that moment, I do not know whether I should cry or just turn a deaf ear to all their wailing.
My heart hurts seeing the people I loved pouring tears for me.
I do not want to add my tears to their agony, so I had hold back my own tears, till to this very minute I'm writing this sentence.

To know I have cancer is like someone pounded my head with a hammer & let all hope drain out of me.
The feeling was so lousy. Not only that my life is 50/50, but I was worried about the welfare of my son & wife. What happens if I can't make it & they need to go on without me. Will they be all right?
Will my son be brought up the way I wanted him to be?
So many questions, so many "what ifs"... and it was flooding my mind breathlessly.
It wasn't only myself but also involved so many around me, the ones I loved.

This was the feeling that described me on the first day. The day I got to know I had cancer.
Just a week back, I was talking to my wife & we had a reminiscence about my operation ordeal in Singapore. 
I recall about the anxiousness before I went into the cold operating theater, the cold operating stainless steel bed, the pain on my shoulder due to the protruding plastic tube extracting liquid out from my lungs, the sleepless nights I had as my old ward neighbour kept moaning hysterically in the middle of the night calling his death wish.... sum it all up, it was indeed a lifetime enriching experience to me. 

This could the same feeling & thoughts of a new cancer fighter.
Only a cancer survivor will tell you how it feels like & understand truly how it feels when we stand on  the 50/50 line.
No matter how hard it is to accept, no matter how painful the road to recovery is, no matter how long it takes, there is always a reason to live. Giving up is never the option GOD had given us.

My brother & sister.

NOW, I am different : ) ~!
I can tell you that I laze around, I run far, I climb a mountain, I went rafting, I quit my job, I have fun, I cherish every moment that I have with my family & friends, I sleep early, I have good dreams.. so many things to do & I'm not stopping anytime soon.
I want to live this life to the max !
All of this happens once you know what you have & how to live with it.
We fear because we do not know. I survive because I choose to fight, learn & overcome it.

The time I wrote this, I just finished my 2nd half marathon, BROOKS 2013 Half Marathon at Bukit Jalil.

Brooks 2013 Half Marathon
Together with YG Har.

Even though the timing was longer than my first run, the left leg was cramped badly, & right knee was painful, it still felt very very very good ( I really mean it) coz I know I can run even with an impaired trachea & post thoracotomy chest wall pain. Its a BIG Self Satisfaction & adds onto the list of achievements.

I have registered for another 21km run; Standard Chartered KL Marathon 2013 & will also run a couple more half marathons before I put myself to a full 42km challenge, scheduled in Nov 2013 at Penang Intl Marathon.. My brother had also asked me to gear up for a 50km trail run at Kota Kinabalu on end 2014. (sounds crazy~!)
Crossing my fingers & hope to finish it with my own physical strength & mental perseverance.

To me, I have found a reason to live.
Like any cancer survivor, no matter how worried I am about a cancer remission, I will always to choose to live.
The occasional pain on my chest & coughs makes me wondered whether is it going to be a lung cancer or throat cancer. . . my visits to Dr Foo YC at SDMC always make me worried about the results from the CT scan & Xray report.
As worried as I can get, the good things & what we should experience/see outweights the fear in me.

I'm looking forward to run a marathon with my wife & son(just a short 10km marathon for them) & to climb Mt Kinabalu again with them.
These is just one of my dreams.
You can do the same as well. Just don't give up.

I was discussing about exercising with my buddies over Watsapp a couple of days ago. We were talking about exercising & investing in bikes & sorts. I still remember I told them about this.

"We need to take care of our physical being first. Can't keep giving reasons like "no time" & "accommodating to family weekends". 

If one day you fall sick & not able to work & provide, 

what good are you to the family but a burden to them?"

It sounds ironic especially when one balance himself/herself to provide the best for their family at the sacrifice 

of their own health. 

I learnt the hard way and am now sharing my experience with you. 

This blog is not about my grief or whatever sufferings which I had gone through, 

its about promoting good health,  

improving the quality of life, 

cherishing those around us & most importantly, 

how to be courageous to move on with our life after cancer. 

During a CNY dinner  gathering with my school mates.